I was watching an episode of "Joan of Arcadia" a while back. (By the way, don't even get me started about how upset I was when I found out they cancelled the show.) I don't remember the exact situation on the show, but the mother, played by Mary Steenburgen, was struggling with issues of faith in light of her son's car accident that left him paralyzed. In her angst, she blurted out that she was afraid of God. She was afraid of what might happen to her or her family if she allowed herself to trust God fully. A chord was struck deep within my being when I heard her say those words.
I've been through many difficult times in my life,and seen people close to me go through even more difficult times. Two events that stick out most prominently in my mind are the auto accidents that almost killed both my father and older brother. They both recovered their from their injuries, but these two accidents greatly changed a lot of people, including myself.
I really had a hard time after the second one, my brother's accident. Not only did I go through all the expected emotions of anger, grief, depression, but I found myself fearful. I wondered when my turn would come. Or worse yet, when would it be my wife's or daughter's turn. I knew I could live with whatever might happen to my own body if I were in a similar accident. But I had no idea how I would deal with soemone I loved dearly going through it.
Almost a year has passed since my brother's accident. And while I don't think about it as much as I used to, I am still a bit afraid of God. I am afraid of what he might do, or allow to happen, to me. Now I know he is a God of love and everything that he does is an expression of that love. But I also know that we live in a very messed up world where bad things happen to good people for no apparent reason. I know that he works things out for our good, but I don't want to go through the bad to see what good may come from it. I know what the Bible says, and I have memorized so many verses that go against what I feel. But it is still hard to shake those feelings when tragedies have stared you in the face.
Perhaps these feelings will just fade with time, perhaps they won't. Either way, I think the hardest part of this has been writing this down and admitting these feelings. Sure, I knew they were real, but it is different when the words are staring at you from the computer screen. But maybe this is the first step of renewing that trust in God. As Dr. Phil says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge." So perhaps with this confession begins the road to restored faith.
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I had that though today, and have had it looming in the back of my mind as of late, that I, or someone I love could die at any moment. With my mom turning 55 this week, my grandparents turning 80 and me turning 30, I realize there is nothing but the grace of God keeping us alive to share another day. I dropped off my parents at the airport today and thought to myself, "What if they never make it back?" "What if I were to die while they were gone?"
My boss called me a plodder yesterday. And he meant it as a compliment. I'll take it, because I know it's true. He said it in contrast to being a catalyst. He said I set things in place and plod through it, day by day on the journey, in it for the long haul. This may be a sign of my maturity. Or it may be a sign of my complacency. I think I used to be a catalyst. I think I would have prefered to be one. Then again, what good is it to get started without following through, to start down a road without a destination.
Life is so fragile. What will be my legacy. What if God took me now. What would have left for this world to make it better?
When these thoughts enter my mind, I rehearse my conviction that I serve at the pleasure of God. He, and He alone, can take this life from me. And He will when He's good and ready. Until then I am thankful for the opportunity to try to get it right, and hopefully even succeed now and again.
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