My wife left me. But only for a few days. She and her dad went away for a father-daughter trip to Vegas. Kinda cool; I'd like to do the same thing one day with my own daughter.
But it sucks not having her here. I miss her a lot. I mean I'm having a pretty good time. I've been able to get some work done. My daughter and I have had some fun together. But I just don't like being by myself.
I love being married. It is so great. Sure we have our moments, and there are those times when we don't feel like being in the same room. But being married is the greatest thing in the world.
I miss my wife. I can't wait to see her tomorrow when she gets home.
Monday, July 11, 2005
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
The time is here
The time has come. I sit here and write the last blog I will ever write from this location. This is the last time I will sit in this chair, in this room, at this computer. Today is my last day at this school.
I have been counting down the days since the beginning of May, and the last day is finally here. My alarm sounded at 5:45 for the last time (of course I hit the snooze and stayed in bed an extra nine minutes). I got ready and made my last drive down the 118 to the 405. And now I am here, counting down the minutes until I get to leave.
There is that surreal feeling in the air, one of slight disbelief that the day is actually here. I've pretty much said my good-byes, and received well wishes from my colleagues and coworkers.
Most of all, I feel relief. It has been a long and difficult year. I had one group of kids who made me question at times if I made the right decision in becoming a teacher. They were just downright horrible. They made my days miserable. I dreaded their walking in the door, and felt stressed out the rest of the day after they left. Luckily, it was only the one class who did this to me. The rest of my kids were great, probably the only thing that kept me from a complete meltdown. Plus the drive here is long. Sitting in traffic day after day really wears you down. I just became miserable and dreaded going to work every morning.
But alas, this chapter in my life is coming to a close. And I am thankful for that. It is time to move on, and thankfully the place I am moving on to seems like it will be a nearly perfect fit for me. Closer to home, (hopefully) better kids, better pay, more structure and oversight. I think I am going to really like it there.
And so I say, "Good bye Van Nuys High."
I have been counting down the days since the beginning of May, and the last day is finally here. My alarm sounded at 5:45 for the last time (of course I hit the snooze and stayed in bed an extra nine minutes). I got ready and made my last drive down the 118 to the 405. And now I am here, counting down the minutes until I get to leave.
There is that surreal feeling in the air, one of slight disbelief that the day is actually here. I've pretty much said my good-byes, and received well wishes from my colleagues and coworkers.
Most of all, I feel relief. It has been a long and difficult year. I had one group of kids who made me question at times if I made the right decision in becoming a teacher. They were just downright horrible. They made my days miserable. I dreaded their walking in the door, and felt stressed out the rest of the day after they left. Luckily, it was only the one class who did this to me. The rest of my kids were great, probably the only thing that kept me from a complete meltdown. Plus the drive here is long. Sitting in traffic day after day really wears you down. I just became miserable and dreaded going to work every morning.
But alas, this chapter in my life is coming to a close. And I am thankful for that. It is time to move on, and thankfully the place I am moving on to seems like it will be a nearly perfect fit for me. Closer to home, (hopefully) better kids, better pay, more structure and oversight. I think I am going to really like it there.
And so I say, "Good bye Van Nuys High."
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Three More Days
Only three days to go. I am so close I can taste it. Next Thursday I will not have to wake up to my alarm, drag myself out of bed, and drive to this job. I will be free at last.
Only three more days of working at this school. I am so looking forward to being done here. It's been a long, hard year, and I am glad it will soon be over.
I must admit I will not really miss this place. Granted I learned a lot and grew and developed as a teacher. But I'm glad I am leaving. There just grew to be less and less that I enjoyed about this job.
But it's almost over. The end is in sight. Praise God for that.
Only three more days of working at this school. I am so looking forward to being done here. It's been a long, hard year, and I am glad it will soon be over.
I must admit I will not really miss this place. Granted I learned a lot and grew and developed as a teacher. But I'm glad I am leaving. There just grew to be less and less that I enjoyed about this job.
But it's almost over. The end is in sight. Praise God for that.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
The fear of God
I was watching an episode of "Joan of Arcadia" a while back. (By the way, don't even get me started about how upset I was when I found out they cancelled the show.) I don't remember the exact situation on the show, but the mother, played by Mary Steenburgen, was struggling with issues of faith in light of her son's car accident that left him paralyzed. In her angst, she blurted out that she was afraid of God. She was afraid of what might happen to her or her family if she allowed herself to trust God fully. A chord was struck deep within my being when I heard her say those words.
I've been through many difficult times in my life,and seen people close to me go through even more difficult times. Two events that stick out most prominently in my mind are the auto accidents that almost killed both my father and older brother. They both recovered their from their injuries, but these two accidents greatly changed a lot of people, including myself.
I really had a hard time after the second one, my brother's accident. Not only did I go through all the expected emotions of anger, grief, depression, but I found myself fearful. I wondered when my turn would come. Or worse yet, when would it be my wife's or daughter's turn. I knew I could live with whatever might happen to my own body if I were in a similar accident. But I had no idea how I would deal with soemone I loved dearly going through it.
Almost a year has passed since my brother's accident. And while I don't think about it as much as I used to, I am still a bit afraid of God. I am afraid of what he might do, or allow to happen, to me. Now I know he is a God of love and everything that he does is an expression of that love. But I also know that we live in a very messed up world where bad things happen to good people for no apparent reason. I know that he works things out for our good, but I don't want to go through the bad to see what good may come from it. I know what the Bible says, and I have memorized so many verses that go against what I feel. But it is still hard to shake those feelings when tragedies have stared you in the face.
Perhaps these feelings will just fade with time, perhaps they won't. Either way, I think the hardest part of this has been writing this down and admitting these feelings. Sure, I knew they were real, but it is different when the words are staring at you from the computer screen. But maybe this is the first step of renewing that trust in God. As Dr. Phil says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge." So perhaps with this confession begins the road to restored faith.
I've been through many difficult times in my life,and seen people close to me go through even more difficult times. Two events that stick out most prominently in my mind are the auto accidents that almost killed both my father and older brother. They both recovered their from their injuries, but these two accidents greatly changed a lot of people, including myself.
I really had a hard time after the second one, my brother's accident. Not only did I go through all the expected emotions of anger, grief, depression, but I found myself fearful. I wondered when my turn would come. Or worse yet, when would it be my wife's or daughter's turn. I knew I could live with whatever might happen to my own body if I were in a similar accident. But I had no idea how I would deal with soemone I loved dearly going through it.
Almost a year has passed since my brother's accident. And while I don't think about it as much as I used to, I am still a bit afraid of God. I am afraid of what he might do, or allow to happen, to me. Now I know he is a God of love and everything that he does is an expression of that love. But I also know that we live in a very messed up world where bad things happen to good people for no apparent reason. I know that he works things out for our good, but I don't want to go through the bad to see what good may come from it. I know what the Bible says, and I have memorized so many verses that go against what I feel. But it is still hard to shake those feelings when tragedies have stared you in the face.
Perhaps these feelings will just fade with time, perhaps they won't. Either way, I think the hardest part of this has been writing this down and admitting these feelings. Sure, I knew they were real, but it is different when the words are staring at you from the computer screen. But maybe this is the first step of renewing that trust in God. As Dr. Phil says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge." So perhaps with this confession begins the road to restored faith.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Long-distance relationship
I am in a long-distance relationship, or at least it feels that way. This isn't a romance or anyting like that; reading my profile will tell you I am happily married. This long-distance relationship is with God, actually.
For the past couple of years now, I have felt this way about my relationship with God. It is like the long-distance friendships I try to maintain with friends and family members. I don't talk to God that often. I hardly read my Bible. I do "check in" every now and then, usually in the car on my way to or from work. But the quantity of time spent with God is not what it probably ought to be.
However, the quality of that time is good. Although the fellowship is few and far between, the closeness is still there. In some of my closest friendships, I only see the others once a month or so, but when we are together it's like we saw each other yesterday. Same with God. I can go several days, maybe even a week or more, without talking to him, but when I do it's like I just talked to him yesterday.
Perhaps this isn't a good thing. I know I should be closer to God. I know I should read more and pray more. But I get busy, or forgetful. Perhaps this blog is simply a confession of my own apathy.
But, perhaps it's not such a bad thing. Maybe this is just part of the ever-evolving life of faith. Maybe as a person grows older, both physically and spiritually, he goes through phases like this. Perhaps this is just part of growing up.
Which is it, apathy or maturity? I don't know. I do know, however, that I should probably make more of an effort. I should make this relationship a little more of a priority. I know God understands the demands of life. I know he knows I am busy. But i know that isn't a great excuse for not picking up my Bible more often or for not turning off the radio and praying on my way home from work.
Despite the apparent distance, I do feel close to God. We have a good relationship. But I can't let it slide.
For the past couple of years now, I have felt this way about my relationship with God. It is like the long-distance friendships I try to maintain with friends and family members. I don't talk to God that often. I hardly read my Bible. I do "check in" every now and then, usually in the car on my way to or from work. But the quantity of time spent with God is not what it probably ought to be.
However, the quality of that time is good. Although the fellowship is few and far between, the closeness is still there. In some of my closest friendships, I only see the others once a month or so, but when we are together it's like we saw each other yesterday. Same with God. I can go several days, maybe even a week or more, without talking to him, but when I do it's like I just talked to him yesterday.
Perhaps this isn't a good thing. I know I should be closer to God. I know I should read more and pray more. But I get busy, or forgetful. Perhaps this blog is simply a confession of my own apathy.
But, perhaps it's not such a bad thing. Maybe this is just part of the ever-evolving life of faith. Maybe as a person grows older, both physically and spiritually, he goes through phases like this. Perhaps this is just part of growing up.
Which is it, apathy or maturity? I don't know. I do know, however, that I should probably make more of an effort. I should make this relationship a little more of a priority. I know God understands the demands of life. I know he knows I am busy. But i know that isn't a great excuse for not picking up my Bible more often or for not turning off the radio and praying on my way home from work.
Despite the apparent distance, I do feel close to God. We have a good relationship. But I can't let it slide.
Monday, May 16, 2005
What makes it ok?
I teach in what could be considered an "inner city" school. It is in a a relatively low-income neighborhood. There is a definite gang presence on campus, although typically not a violent one. Although there are plenty of high-performing students on campus, there are a lot at the other extreme as well.
I teach a class of those students at the bottom end of the spectrum. It is a literacy intervention course, bascially it is third grade phonics for high schoolers who were never taught to read, or who do not read at grade level. While the academic side of this class is challenging, that is not my biggest obstacle in teaching this group. What make it difficult is the culture and lifestyle of these students that goes against everything I try to teach them. Getting an education simply is not a priority to them. They come to school to be with their friends and because they find it too boring to stay home.
I have spent many a stressful day wondering what happened to these young students that has made them so jaded so early in their academic career. I wonder what legitimizes their behavior in their own minds. For instance:
what makes it ok to use profanity in the classroom?
what makes it ok to talk back to the teacher?
what makes it ok to turn every comment made into a gross sexual joke?
what makes it ok to be on probation and have a criminal record at 15?
what makes it ok to be drinking and doing drugs at such a young age?
what makes it ok to refuse to do school work and not take responsibility for one's own education?
I could go on and on. What has happened to these kids? Who is to blame? I know a lot of the blame rests on the parents. If they had made these behaviors unacceptable in the home, they might not have tried them elsewhere. I could blame their past teachers. Afterall, how does a student enter high school reading at only a second grade level? I could blame the environment and culture in which they live, one where gangs run the streets and crime often does pay. Perhaps I am even to blame for part of it. I sometimes wonder if I had been a more dynamic teacher and taught more inspiring lessons, perhaps I could have made a difference. Although there are many who could be blamed for this, the ultimate responsibility for these students' behavior will rest on them.
I have come to realize soemthing however. As much as it saddens me to see where these kids are headed, I realize there is very little I can do to stop them. It's a much bigger issue than can be solved in the two hours I am with them each day. I believe it takes a very special kind of teacher to effectively reach these kids, and I don't believe I am that teacher. But I do hope, for their sakes, that one of those teachers crosses their paths one day.
I teach a class of those students at the bottom end of the spectrum. It is a literacy intervention course, bascially it is third grade phonics for high schoolers who were never taught to read, or who do not read at grade level. While the academic side of this class is challenging, that is not my biggest obstacle in teaching this group. What make it difficult is the culture and lifestyle of these students that goes against everything I try to teach them. Getting an education simply is not a priority to them. They come to school to be with their friends and because they find it too boring to stay home.
I have spent many a stressful day wondering what happened to these young students that has made them so jaded so early in their academic career. I wonder what legitimizes their behavior in their own minds. For instance:
what makes it ok to use profanity in the classroom?
what makes it ok to talk back to the teacher?
what makes it ok to turn every comment made into a gross sexual joke?
what makes it ok to be on probation and have a criminal record at 15?
what makes it ok to be drinking and doing drugs at such a young age?
what makes it ok to refuse to do school work and not take responsibility for one's own education?
I could go on and on. What has happened to these kids? Who is to blame? I know a lot of the blame rests on the parents. If they had made these behaviors unacceptable in the home, they might not have tried them elsewhere. I could blame their past teachers. Afterall, how does a student enter high school reading at only a second grade level? I could blame the environment and culture in which they live, one where gangs run the streets and crime often does pay. Perhaps I am even to blame for part of it. I sometimes wonder if I had been a more dynamic teacher and taught more inspiring lessons, perhaps I could have made a difference. Although there are many who could be blamed for this, the ultimate responsibility for these students' behavior will rest on them.
I have come to realize soemthing however. As much as it saddens me to see where these kids are headed, I realize there is very little I can do to stop them. It's a much bigger issue than can be solved in the two hours I am with them each day. I believe it takes a very special kind of teacher to effectively reach these kids, and I don't believe I am that teacher. But I do hope, for their sakes, that one of those teachers crosses their paths one day.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
I read my Bible yesterday
I was on a break at work and took my pocket Bible out and read it. It was the first time in a long time that I had done this. I keep a little New Testament in my bag with the intentions of reading it regularly. But my reading has been anything but regular.
I was having a rough morning. My students were driving me crazy. I had kicked several out of class for talking back, not doing their work, and using profanity. My stress level, and probably my blood pressure, were a little higher than I'd like them to be. I needed something to calm me down.
So I opened up to the first chapter of Galatians. I read two chapters, ones I have probably read 15 times before. I didn't receive any great revelation or insight. Nothing leaped off the pages and into my heart. I simply read. When the bell rang telling students to head to class, I put it away feeling a little better than I did when I picked it up. I was refreshed. It was like a nice big smoothie after a good workout.
It felt so good that I read my Bible again today.
I was having a rough morning. My students were driving me crazy. I had kicked several out of class for talking back, not doing their work, and using profanity. My stress level, and probably my blood pressure, were a little higher than I'd like them to be. I needed something to calm me down.
So I opened up to the first chapter of Galatians. I read two chapters, ones I have probably read 15 times before. I didn't receive any great revelation or insight. Nothing leaped off the pages and into my heart. I simply read. When the bell rang telling students to head to class, I put it away feeling a little better than I did when I picked it up. I was refreshed. It was like a nice big smoothie after a good workout.
It felt so good that I read my Bible again today.
Monday, May 09, 2005
Why I started Blogging
I am a writer and a thinker, more so the latter than the former. I find I can best expres myself and articulate my thoughts if I write them down. Often if I have something important to say to someone, I will write them a letter rather than dicsuss it in person. I know this doesn't exactly follow proper etiquette, but it gets the job done effectively.
I have submitted articles to online magazines and other websites; some of them got published, others were laughed at. I even wrote a book, which has sold a whopping 100 copies. These have provided me the creative outlet I need, as well as a little satisfaction knowing that people are reading my stuff. But now as I grow older, and life becomes more demanding, I find the need to continue to express myself, but do not have the time to seek proper avenues of publication.
Enter Blogger.com. This newly established blog enables me to "freely speak my mind" and put it out there for the world to read. It is not so much that they need to listen to what I have to say, it is more that I need to get these things down on paper (or in this case, a keyboard).
So, I begin my blog. My thoughts may range from personal to relational to spiritual to political. By they are my thoughts. Read if you want, but I am going to express them anyway.
I have submitted articles to online magazines and other websites; some of them got published, others were laughed at. I even wrote a book, which has sold a whopping 100 copies. These have provided me the creative outlet I need, as well as a little satisfaction knowing that people are reading my stuff. But now as I grow older, and life becomes more demanding, I find the need to continue to express myself, but do not have the time to seek proper avenues of publication.
Enter Blogger.com. This newly established blog enables me to "freely speak my mind" and put it out there for the world to read. It is not so much that they need to listen to what I have to say, it is more that I need to get these things down on paper (or in this case, a keyboard).
So, I begin my blog. My thoughts may range from personal to relational to spiritual to political. By they are my thoughts. Read if you want, but I am going to express them anyway.
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