The time is here

The time has come. I sit here and write the last blog I will ever write from this location. This is the last time I will sit in this chair, in this room, at this computer. Today is my last day at this school.
I have been counting down the days since the beginning of May, and the last day is finally here. My alarm sounded at 5:45 for the last time (of course I hit the snooze and stayed in bed an extra nine minutes). I got ready and made my last drive down the 118 to the 405. And now I am here, counting down the minutes until I get to leave.
There is that surreal feeling in the air, one of slight disbelief that the day is actually here. I've pretty much said my good-byes, and received well wishes from my colleagues and coworkers.
Most of all, I feel relief. It has been a long and difficult year. I had one group of kids who made me question at times if I made the right decision in becoming a teacher. They were just downright horrible. They made my days miserable. I dreaded their walking in the door, and felt stressed out the rest of the day after they left. Luckily, it was only the one class who did this to me. The rest of my kids were great, probably the only thing that kept me from a complete meltdown. Plus the drive here is long. Sitting in traffic day after day really wears you down. I just became miserable and dreaded going to work every morning.
But alas, this chapter in my life is coming to a close. And I am thankful for that. It is time to move on, and thankfully the place I am moving on to seems like it will be a nearly perfect fit for me. Closer to home, (hopefully) better kids, better pay, more structure and oversight. I think I am going to really like it there.
And so I say, "Good bye Van Nuys High."

Three More Days

Only three days to go. I am so close I can taste it. Next Thursday I will not have to wake up to my alarm, drag myself out of bed, and drive to this job. I will be free at last.
Only three more days of working at this school. I am so looking forward to being done here. It's been a long, hard year, and I am glad it will soon be over.
I must admit I will not really miss this place. Granted I learned a lot and grew and developed as a teacher. But I'm glad I am leaving. There just grew to be less and less that I enjoyed about this job.
But it's almost over. The end is in sight. Praise God for that.

The fear of God

I was watching an episode of "Joan of Arcadia" a while back. (By the way, don't even get me started about how upset I was when I found out they cancelled the show.) I don't remember the exact situation on the show, but the mother, played by Mary Steenburgen, was struggling with issues of faith in light of her son's car accident that left him paralyzed. In her angst, she blurted out that she was afraid of God. She was afraid of what might happen to her or her family if she allowed herself to trust God fully. A chord was struck deep within my being when I heard her say those words.
I've been through many difficult times in my life,and seen people close to me go through even more difficult times. Two events that stick out most prominently in my mind are the auto accidents that almost killed both my father and older brother. They both recovered their from their injuries, but these two accidents greatly changed a lot of people, including myself.
I really had a hard time after the second one, my brother's accident. Not only did I go through all the expected emotions of anger, grief, depression, but I found myself fearful. I wondered when my turn would come. Or worse yet, when would it be my wife's or daughter's turn. I knew I could live with whatever might happen to my own body if I were in a similar accident. But I had no idea how I would deal with soemone I loved dearly going through it.
Almost a year has passed since my brother's accident. And while I don't think about it as much as I used to, I am still a bit afraid of God. I am afraid of what he might do, or allow to happen, to me. Now I know he is a God of love and everything that he does is an expression of that love. But I also know that we live in a very messed up world where bad things happen to good people for no apparent reason. I know that he works things out for our good, but I don't want to go through the bad to see what good may come from it. I know what the Bible says, and I have memorized so many verses that go against what I feel. But it is still hard to shake those feelings when tragedies have stared you in the face.
Perhaps these feelings will just fade with time, perhaps they won't. Either way, I think the hardest part of this has been writing this down and admitting these feelings. Sure, I knew they were real, but it is different when the words are staring at you from the computer screen. But maybe this is the first step of renewing that trust in God. As Dr. Phil says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge." So perhaps with this confession begins the road to restored faith.

Long-distance relationship

I am in a long-distance relationship, or at least it feels that way. This isn't a romance or anyting like that; reading my profile will tell you I am happily married. This long-distance relationship is with God, actually.
For the past couple of years now, I have felt this way about my relationship with God. It is like the long-distance friendships I try to maintain with friends and family members. I don't talk to God that often. I hardly read my Bible. I do "check in" every now and then, usually in the car on my way to or from work. But the quantity of time spent with God is not what it probably ought to be.
However, the quality of that time is good. Although the fellowship is few and far between, the closeness is still there. In some of my closest friendships, I only see the others once a month or so, but when we are together it's like we saw each other yesterday. Same with God. I can go several days, maybe even a week or more, without talking to him, but when I do it's like I just talked to him yesterday.
Perhaps this isn't a good thing. I know I should be closer to God. I know I should read more and pray more. But I get busy, or forgetful. Perhaps this blog is simply a confession of my own apathy.
But, perhaps it's not such a bad thing. Maybe this is just part of the ever-evolving life of faith. Maybe as a person grows older, both physically and spiritually, he goes through phases like this. Perhaps this is just part of growing up.
Which is it, apathy or maturity? I don't know. I do know, however, that I should probably make more of an effort. I should make this relationship a little more of a priority. I know God understands the demands of life. I know he knows I am busy. But i know that isn't a great excuse for not picking up my Bible more often or for not turning off the radio and praying on my way home from work.
Despite the apparent distance, I do feel close to God. We have a good relationship. But I can't let it slide.